Until our last goodbye
by A Soulless Poet
Summary: Right now, all he wanted was to just sit and breathe. Sit and collect himself...sit and feel the sun on his face, the wind in his hair – for her. One last time...one last moment in this world...


_**I do not own the song below, nor the characters. The plot is my own. **_

_White walls surround us  
No light will touch your face again..._

Another sob escaping passed his clenched teeth...another tear slipping under his closed eyes, Lavi slumped against the wall. Everything felt so very surreal. Everything felt detached...numb. He felt as if the world ceased all movements in an instant, leaving him breathless and disoriented. Unsure of where to go...unsure of even if he _wanted _to go – anywhere. Right now, all he wanted was to just sit and breathe. Sit and collect himself...sit and feel the sun on his face, the wind in his hair – _**for her. **_One last time...one last moment in this world...

Resting his head against the wall, a ragged sigh ripped from his throat and he left the tears fall. Each tear a whisper of _**her**_ name...each tear a wish...a promise broken...

_**You wont be there to catch me when I fall...**_

_Rain taps the window  
As we sleep among the dead_

Wiping away a tear, Lavi stood and walked slowly over to the window. He was bent, curled into himself, shoulders and arms held close. To anyone who happened to notice him, he seemed to be folding in half, trying to hide away from the world. Sitting down in the chair beside the bed, Lavi read aloud. His words crisp and clear, not to loud, nor to low. He read _**her **_favorite poetry. Stories. Fairy tails. Anything and everything he could think of that she might like. Anything that made her smile. As he read – her still and cold hand in his – the rain drops against the window, a reflection of his tears...

_Days go on forever  
But I have not left your side_

The sun rose, shining in the room and warming her pale skin. Normally, he would love the sun too embrace her...kiss her beauty with it's warmth. Now he could only watch as the sun turned cruel, highlighting her skin, more pale then the sheets around her. Showing him, forcing him to see the slow rise and fall of her chest...forcing him to know – each breath an agony...

Gripping her hand tighter, Lavi wished, bargained, cried, swore, anything – anything! - to her ancestors, his ancestors, god above – whomever would listen. Let _**him**_ take her place. Let him bare the agony of each breathe, the pain of each needle, the embarrassment of each treatment. Let him take her place. Let it be him lying there, hair gone, so thin he was just a skeleton with skin draped over. The beeping of the machine counting down his heart beats...counting down the moments when he would leave her side...

Lavi knew...no matter how much he hated the sun shining, showing her imperfections...it was how he looked at them. He could either let her hand go for the moment it took to close the curtains. Break his promise that he would always be there, silence his voicing of false reassurance...

Or...

He could look passed the imperfections and see her for who she was. See her beauty, even in this pale and sickly form. He could follow the pathways of her veins to her heart so innocent and full of love. Hold her hand, so strong and sure, never letting go no matter what happened. No matter how much he hurt her. He could look into her beautiful blue eyes and know beyond a doubt. No matter what happens, she will never really be gone. Kiss her still and pale lips, knowing for certain that though they will never laugh or smile again in this life...his memories echo – a ghost of her laughter, a wisp of her smile – but still there.

So he held onto her hand, apologizing for all the times he's caused her hurt and worry. Kissed her still lips, drinking in the last of her laughter...giving back what strength he could muster, giving back what little hope he had left...looked into her dimming blue eyes and knowing far beyond a doubt that she still loved him...and he loved her, feircly and unwavering.

A bitter smile crossed his face when he felt the same desire burning in his veins. The desire to see her smile. To whisper to her how much he loved her. To just once more...hear her laughter that was so amazingly beautiful, his heart ached...

_We can chase the dark together  
If you go then so will I_

People came and went around him, yet still he sat in the vigil of mourning. When some one spoke, he would look at them with dull green eyes, not truly seeing them. He had eyes only for her. A fear, that if he took his eyes away – even for a moment – she would leave him. When some one laid their hand his arm or shoulder, be it in comfort or force, he would shove them away. The one time he had to get physical and remove his hand from hers, the doctor came and gave him a sedative. He'd slept for four hours, awake in a panic. He did not want to cease his vigil for her. Did not want to leave her alone in what could be her final moments.

_There is nothing left of you  
I can see it in your eyes  
Sing the anthem of the angels  
And say the last goodbye_

"Lavi Bookman?"

He could hear the question, but did not answer. Without looking, he knew he wasn't being spoken too. He knew what was happening. Why the officer was here. He'd punched out the doctor that tried to make him leave the room with force. The bastard deserved it! Hadn't he ever been through – quick as he could, Lavi dug his nails into his arm and down, the pain stopping all thought. That was all he could feel now. The pain. All he could hear, taste, feel...the pain of the possibility that any moment, he might have to say goodbye for the last time.

"Lavi Bookman, come with us please."

_Cold light above us  
Hope fills the heart  
And fades away_

Far beyond words, all he can do is shake his head. His body was no longer under his minds control. Thirst, hunger, relief...all of those things were unimportant next to where he was and what he was doing.

"Lavi, this doctor can help her. We just need you to come speak with us."

Again, all he could do was shake his head. Until the officer grabbed his hands and forced them behind his back, a Kevlar gloved hand covering Lavi's mouth. That touch awoke a beast within him. Tears falling, he struggled hard. Ignoring the burning in his shoulders at being stretched wrong, Lavi twisted and thrashed, trying to kick away the officers. Swinging his head back, he got one against the chest. When he kicked out, bitter satisfaction surged through him when the officer coughed, breath knocked out from being kicked in the gut.

"Lavi, there's nothing you can do! She's -!"

A feral growl cut the cop off and Lavi froze in shock when realization hit him. That was _**him**_ growling. Him flailing about and kicking, head butting and gnawing on a Kevlar clad finger. Immobile in frozen shock and horror, the officers took the opportunity too handcuff him to the chair, binding his wrists to the arms and ankles to the legs.

_Skin white as winter  
As the sky returns to grey_

Not wanting to loose the image of her lying there, her hair splayed across the pillow, the sun shining and exposing her beauty – Lavi closed his eyes...forcibly ripped from his vigil against his will, he closed his eyes tight, trying to stay the tears...

_Days go on forever  
But I have not left your side  
We can chase the dark together  
If you go then so will I_

As the officers carried Lavi down the hall, one on each corner of the chair – he was surprised to see that they too were crying. Crying, yet still carrying him down the hall. Pallbearers carrying the living dead...Still struggling, though not as much, Lavi tried. The farther they got from the room, the more it seemed his energy gave way to an empty tiredness. When they entered the sitting room and he was set down, the nurse at the desk ran over and spoke to the lead officer. When the man bowed his head and nodded to the others...her knew. When the cuffs fell slack and they helped him up...he knew. As the officer held a supportive hand on his arm and demanded the onlookers mind their own business...he knew. Falling to his knees, he had a moment of surprise when two officers wrapped their arms around him from either side, holding his wrists with their free hands, his arms over their shoulders. Supporting his weight, they walked him back to her room...a silent trio of lost souls, seeking a resting place.

_There is nothing left of you  
I can see it in your eyes  
Sing the anthem of the angels  
And say the last goodbye_

Inside the room, the officers walked him to the side of her bed...the doctors moving out of the way. His hands trembled as he reached out and held her hand, her name bursting passed his lips. A mantra, a prayer, a desperate plea laced with desperation and hopelessness. One look in her eyes and all strngth left him. Folding in on himself, Lavi held her close and rocked her gently sitting on the edge of her bed. No one moved to stop him. No one spoke except to whisper a prayer, a blessing, words of comfort that offered none.

_I keep holding onto you  
But I can't bring you back to life  
Sing the anthem of the angels  
Then say the last goodbye_

No matter how many times he whispered her name. No matter how tight he held or how often he rocked her...she was not coming back. He knew that. In his heart, deep down, he knew she was no longer of this earth. Holding her close one last time, he whispered her name and kissed her now still lips. In that last kiss, Lavi gave his everything. His love, his promises kept and broken, his plea of forgiveness...his forever last goodbye...

_You're dead alive..._

Time of death: 12:55pm

_You're dead alive..._

Deep inside, his heart cracked, shattered

_You're dead alive..._

Gently an officer closed her eyes, hiding the once bright blue...

_You're dead alive..._

Words stilled on his lips, arms frozen around her, Lavi could hear screaming, loud and mournful...he did his best to block it out, ignore it...

_There is nothing left of you  
I can see it in your eyes  
Sing the anthem of the angels  
And say the last goodbye_

Unable to ignore the screaming any longer, Lavi came to realize it was _**him **_screaming her name. Begging anyone who would listen to just bring her back. Bring her home...begging anyone who would listen to release him...let him go wither her into darkness...

_I keep holding onto you  
But I can't bring you back to life  
Sing the anthem of the angels  
And say the last goodbye_

Patting the dirt down one last time, Lavi looked beside him at the urn. It had taken a few months but he'd finally gotten permission to plant a tree here in her honour and scatter her ashes below. He had a bonsai cherry blossom at home and an urn the size of his hand with some of her ashes. Tree and urn both were at rest beside her ancestor tablet on his shrine. He prayed to her each morning, just talking about anything. Some nights he would read to her tree and tablet, the books she loved. Always, he was sure to honour her first thing each morning...tell her he would see her later when he went out.

People worried and he let them. Eventually they would give up. In this way he found his own peace...

_Sing the anthem of the angels  
And say the last goodbye  
Sing the anthem of the angels..._

In this way...he said his own last goodbye...


End file.
